What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 05:56
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
All the time i was locked up.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My life is so biszare .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So whats the point in blame.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She married twice! .
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot live in the past .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Put me off passion for life!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I write beautiful poetry .
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers